Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let us have An additional position where by American men can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: present Anyone a collection within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly delicate ability," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump Tower Damascus Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should really quit employing it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."

Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, categorized.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the making's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"

The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Eternally."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "exactly where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, together with:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War

Remark Portion Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot wait around to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Ultimately, a hotel exactly where my PTSD can have flip-down support."

Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."